Bushido

Survivor. People who come back from 70000 Tons of Metal in one piece call themselves survivor. So I´ve been a survivor to begin with. And now, after beating PTCL that nasty demon, I´m twice the survivor. I´ve often read about people having survivor´s guilt after beating cancer. Not me. It´s every man for himself when it comes to fighting your demons. Some will fall, some will rise. It´s not me who decides the fates of other people, I don´t even have the power to decide my own.

Who you calling butch, eh?

But what I can do is decide what to do with the time I have. I haven´t written anything for quite some time now cause I have been busy. I had a few visits to make to docs and hospital (more on that the next time) but more importantly I´ve been travelling. Ten days just me travelling around Europe meeting old friends, making new ones, listening to awesome metal shows and drinking a whoooole lotta beer. Ten days of not being treated like a sick person, of people rather taking me for a lesbian with my short hair than a person with cancer, of just being me and feeling alive.

Did I behave like a person who six months ago lied in isolation receiving a stem cell transplant? Hell, no! Should I maybe have behaved a bit more like a person who six months ago lied in isolation receiving a stem cell tranplant? Probably. Though I still can hear my oncologist who said to me when I came back from a visit to the football stadium right after CHOEP-2 "It´s good that you´re so brave!". So I put another ice pack on my swollen knee and put my twisted ankle up, smiling and being the brave stupid fuck face that I am (yup, I deserve that name. Not only did I lose the fight against gravity once, and not twice but three times in ten days! Sure, I could blame the alcohol and the frozen ground and my neuropathy and my shingles but in the end... I´m just too stupid. Simple as that. ;)). Cause what are a few bruises (okey, a looooot of bruises...) compared to the awesome fun you can have in the mosh pit? I have suffered and endured more and worse pain in the past months for much less fun things so bring em on! I felt exhausted and tired without even leaving my bed so I crave for that feeling after walking around all day sightseeing. Can´t you feel my heart pumping? Can´t you see I´m still alive? And the next person who tells me to "take it easy" or "take it slow" I will punch in the face. I´m done taking it easy, I´m done taking it slow. My body felt like dying back in hospital when the whole system is shut down and it still feels like a part of me died in this small yellow room. So I need to prove to me that I didn´t. I´m still there.

Every time I´m wondering about doing something I ask myself one simple question: "If you had to die tomorrow, would you regret not doing it?" And if the answer is yes, there´s no stopping me from fucking doing it. So in two weeks I´m off again, saying ba-bye to this life. Going to the Caribbean for two weeks and then to 70000 Tons of Metal with my bestie Gathi. Cause haven´t you heard? I´m a fucking survivor.

Feels like going full circle here, I felt seriously sick first time on the Cruise this year so let´s end feeling sick on the Cruise next year.

P.S.: So pour the beer for thirsty men
        A drink that they have earned
        And pour a beer for those who fell
        For those who did not return

        Raise your horns!
        Raise them up to the sky!
        We will drink to glory tonight
        Raise your horns for brave fallen friends
        We will meet where the beer never ends
       -Amon Amarth

Here´s to you 2016! Now go away and never return. Asshole.