Welcome to the dark side

Hmm, yes, a bit. Not even the ones with raisins?

They always said there would be cookies, so I finally went over to the dark side. Turns out there aren´t any cookies but instead just Major Depressed waiting to kick your sorry butt.

Since the day my doc told me I should get to hospital because my blood values were odd ("Let´s hope it´s nothing serious." Woops, sorry doc.), throughout my many days in hospital and my various and sometimes hard to bear treatments I have never ever felt depressed (hell week doesn´t count). Sure, there were nights I cried, asking myself where the f*** I went wrong from lying in the Caribbean sea, drinking beer I´ve won during a dance-off to having cancer. But most of the time I´ve been a good sport, smiling, taking everything head-on without complaining or asking "Why??". I had no other option so why should I whine and moan, I prefer going through hell with my head held high.

And now it´s over (probably) and I can´t stop feeling horrible. Which feels kinda stupid. But I haven´t really slept in days (pills don´t really work anymore), can´t eat without getting sick (just thinking about food makes me wanna throw up) and my body´s weaker than ever (Hb is also dropping again no one knows why). People expect me to be happy because I beat cancer, now everything´s good again, I can go back to being my old self. I don´t get any more chemo and I´m out of hospital so I should feel great now shouldn´t I? Bursting with energy and puking rainbows. But I just feel...exhausted. I wouldn´t even know where to start to get my life back on track and I really don´t feel I have the energy left for it. It's like thinking you finally reached the top of a huge mountain only then to notice there is still a long way to go. I need a break, can´t I just not be the one with cancer for like a day? Or even an hour? Just do everyday things like sleeping and going to work and eating and just feeling carefree and happy.

When I look back at the past months I don´t feel like I have accomplished anything, only lost a great deal of things. So I´ll just stay here on the dark side for a few moments longer. Only until I have figured some things out. And until I have found the secret cookie stash of Kylo Ren, dammit. There MUST to be cookies here somewhere!

P.S.: There´s a new girl at work who´s taking over some of my projects. "Not to replace you, of course." Yeah? Damn sure feels like it. So noooo pressure to come back to work, take your time. Yeah, right.

Is it over yet?

Can I open my eyes?

It´s a strange feeling. In six days it will be exactly half a year ago that I got my cancer diagnosis. And now I´m already sitting here, thinking about being cancerfree (won´t believe it though until the final MRT in a few weeks. Optimism killed the cat. Or something like that). My blood values are all on the rise (Hb was 10.5 on Monday, that´s an all-time high, woopwoop!), rehab is already planned in a few weeks and except for some fatigue and muscle weakness I´m actually feeling quite good. So everything´s back to normal right? It´s finally over?

Cancer Airlines welcomes you on board!

Well, no. Unfortunately it´s not that simple. It´s not like just because your body doesn´t have cancer anymore someone hands you over your old life saying "Thank you for travelling with Cancer Airlines. I hope you had a horrible journey. Please start enjoying your life exactly where you left it six months ago." Cause nothing´s the same as six months ago, hell, I´m not the same as six months ago. Cancer is a hungry and egoistic fellow, devouring as much as he can, leaving you behind with the scraps of your life or what you thought your life would be.

When fighting cancer you don´t really have the time to think too much about all this, you just live from chemo to chemo, from day to day, from one red X on your treatment plan to the next. I´m infertile? Yeah, whatever, I have cancer, no time to think about that. Five year survival rate is only 30%? Couldn´t care less, need to beat this thing in the first place before I rack my brain over recurrence rates! How can I get back to work after been gone for so long? What do I want to do with my life? Will I ever be myself again? Could I learn to like the new me?

There are a thousand questions crashing down on you that you kept away for the past months when you were busy surviving cancer. And finally when you were used to having cancer, it´s gone. And now the whole work starts all over again, getting used to a new life situation, adapting to it, building a life on the ruins of the old one. Cause getting the old one back? That´s not in the stars my dear. But you can fight to make the new one even more awesome.

Doesn´t matter, out with the old, in with the new!

Day +15: I´m going home

Finally. My thrombocytes are 27k today. I´m going home, and I don´t want to come again and stay.

P.S.: First stops: My bathtub and my favorite Döner restaurant! :)

Day +14: Fickschnitzel!

Okay, I confess. I´ve been having a hard time accepting the fact that I need to stay day after day after day on Nazi station just because of my stupid thrombocytes ("You don´t want to get brain bleeding now do you?" Erm... I´m not sure. If I can have Döner with it I´m quite indecisive... ;)). But after whining about that for two days I finally found enough unicorn power left in me to make my peace with another week in hell (I mean anything before Day +14 would have been reeeeeally fast). I was fine with it really.

And then yesterday they showed their whole glory of naziness (I guess that´s not a word but you know what I mean ;)). "You´re moving!" Oh great, home? *hope building up* "Noooooo, to room 12!" *hope crashing to ground* Oh and please, don´t help me pack my stuff or carry it, I´m fine enough really, I mean my Hb already is at 9.4, right? Yeah, so I´m now in room 12 which has

• no ac,
• no shower (soo funny, just this morning they allowed me to use the shower again only to then put me in a room without shower. A classic nazi move!),
• no toilet (please don´t ask -.-),
• a window facing the helicopter landing field. Which is not loud at all. (they were really trying to sell me an open window as something I should be glad about. Sure, with over 30°C outside I really want to open the window),
• no window shades (the sun is only burning through my windows from 12 to 5. Which is nothing, basically -.-).

Since the room is so nice and not hot at all I basically spend the whole day outside, chasing Pokémon (and geese :)), eating ice cream and sweating. My doc called me today on my mobile phone to check whether I was still alive because I was gone so long (probably had horrible day dreams about me lying somewhere having a brain bleeding. Poor thing ;)).

But to be honest the whole situation really got me down. I haven´t felt as bad as yesterday or cried as much throughout my whole illness (not even on the day I got my diagnosis. Actually, I didn´t cry at all cause my "let´s bring it on" attitude automically kicked in). I´m not really greeted with empathy or understanding from any of the nurses or docs they really don´t get why I´m not celebrating. No, it gets better, most of them see my behaviour as some kind of affront and react offended. Fickschnitzel, all of them!
I´ve prescribed myself a huge amount of metal throughout the last night so my mood has been a lot better today (citing Five Finger Death Punch "I won´t be broken, I won´t be tortured, I won´t be beaten down. I have the answer, I can take the pressure, I will turn it all around").

Those little bastards that keep me here have been 15k today. Only 3k to go. That´s nothing, right? ...Right???

Day +11: F*** you, thrombocytes!

I told you those thrombocytes are slow little bastards! Again they are the reason why nothing´s going as planned. My leukocytes are brave little fellows, growing steadily (one of the nurses even said they were "exploding" she never saw anything like it). Even my hemoglobin stays around 9! So, everything´s fine, I can leave hospital now, right? Well, noooo, because my thrombocytes are stagnating somewhere around 10k, and I need 20k at least to be released (I don´t really get why tbh, I´ve been sitting around at home with only 4k and the daily blood check-ups I could also do at my doctor´s office. But naah, hospital rules...). So basically, I´m feeling great, I get no more meds but my daily pills I also take at home but still I have to stay here, bored, eating gross hospital food, getting frustrated. So, f*** you, thrombocytes, grow a pair (of yourself ;))!

At least I´m allowed to leave my room now since my immune system is back up and running. So today I started with my very own rehab plan- playing Pokémon Go. :) If I have to take walks to get my body used to physical exertion I thought I could also use the opportunity to catch ´em all! So now I´m also one of those Smombies, walking around like an idiot, staring at the screen until crying "Ha!! Enton!" totally out of the blue. Thank you, Nintendo!

I tried to throw my phone at a goose. Apparently, real life animals don´t count as Pokémon...

Day +8: Return of the leukocytes

Pssst! Quiet now! We don´t want to scare them away. If you look closely you can see them, those shy little guys. There is only a handful of them but they have returned. You see them? My dear little leukocytes?

Today for the first time in a week there was a value other than zero in my blood work where the values for leukocytes and granulocytes are. That means my newly transplanted stem cells have finally taken up production. From now on it´ll only get better- the pain will pass, my immune system will build up and I will feel stronger. If everything keeps going as it is I probably can leave hospital and isolation at the end of next week. My neutrophilic granulocytes only have to pass the magical threshold of 0.5 and I´m good to go. Today they were at 0.05 so we still have a bit work to do here my stem cells and me.

But just to think that it could now only be a few more days left (filled with pain and transfusions and brei but whatever) until I´m back in freedom  and...cancerfree? Fucking awesome.

P.S.: It´s been two weeks to the day today since first Etoposide- and bam my hair starts to fall off. Again. That is soooo... been there, done that.

Day +5: I´m puking on sunshine

After spending a mostly sleepless but pain filled night I decided that I didn´t want to suffer any more than necessary. So I asked this morning for the morphine based painkiller- and oh my, this is really strong shit. It´s so strong that it actually has to run for 20 hours in very low doses so my body can slowly adapt to it. Good thing- my pain is basically gone and I can´t deny to feel a slight mood elevating effect. :) Not so good thing- it makes me puke. So today was the first day ever of my treatment that I actually threw up. And not only once but regularly distributed over the day. So all the food that I could eat today because of the lack of pain I threw back up again because of the painkiller. Ahh, irony of life!

My blood values also dropped below the magical drop today so I additionally received a bag of erythrocytes and thrombocytes each. So today was a very busy day for my port with all the different meds and transfusions.

Sooo many different IV lines

P.S.: I also learned today that I could drink high-energy drinks to cover my daily calorie need. Which sounds basically like a good plan. To drink two of those right after another however is a not so good plan. So after throwing up again the nurse asked me how old I was to think that that would work. Well, I guess the more appropriate question would have been how stupid I am… (The answer´s “a lot” btw ;))

Whyyyy does everything have to taste like oranges???