"It´s a remission!"

And again, it´s not a partial remission (too good) but still no complete remission (spleen still too big for that, we need to keep a close look on that. But at least they called my spleen "discreet". Thank heavens, just imagine I had an indiscreet spleen!!) but something in between. So let´s be crazy and call it "something like remission". Yeah, that sounds catchy, don´t know where I ever heard that smart and yet fitting term before. ;) So I´m officially on the clock now, hopping from remission control to the next. Every three months from now on we can play this funny and absolutely nerve-wracking game again and again and again. Next control? Christmas time! I know what my family will be getting from me this year, hehe. "Oh, you expected an actual gift? Well, I have this ten pages long remission control report for each and every one of you. I even put some festive sticker on it, see? Yes, those are little reindeer pulling a sleigh full of cancer cells. Funny, what you can find on the internet... I knooooow, awsomest gift ever, you´re welcome!" :)

As long as we keep celebrating the good results like this time, I´m all for it! Polish vodka with fruit flavor- there´s no easier way learning the names for fruit! Truskawkowa is my favorite (and that is strawberry, bam! My chemo brain remembers! I will make a study about how consumption of vodka enhances your language learning abilities. Self-tested of course. Anything for science! ;))

I also took this event as opportunity to rid my appartment of every cancer reminder there was. I needed quite a big box for all your great gifts and posters and postcards and all the meds and my hair (is that creepy that I keep that? I´m not sure, it feels a bit serial killer-like ^^).

Thanks y´all for all that but cancer don´t live here anymore!

P.S.: Tomorrow that lil bastard called wisdom tooth has also overstayed its welcome and will follow my demon out of my body. So if anybody knows someone who has a free and cheap room open for a fucked up demon and a very picky tooth...?

P.P.S.: I like it that my remission post is my 50th post. That makes it somehow more...festive! :) And shows how much sh** I can write during only seven months! Jeez, I need to get back to work! ;)

Remission Control calling

Last week I´ve spent a wonderful, sunny day with something everyone would want to be doing on wonderful, sunny days- sit in hospital waiting and then lie around in a CT and MRT. Cause that´s so much fun. (If you ever end up in a CT- don´t worry, you haven´t peed your pants. This is just a side effect from the contrast agent! I wish someone would´ve told me that before my first CT. "Mrs Meininger, you can get up now." "Noooooo, I can´t! I peed myself!! PANIC!" Stupid, giggling nurses -.-)

Not that I really peed my pants. Really. But if I did...

Well, so it´s been a week now. Tomorrow I´ll have the talk with the doc in hospital about the results. Whether or not I´m in remission. Whether all the hell I´ve been through actually was of any use. I just want to think that they already had a look at my results. And that they would´ve called if something was wrong. That at the end of the day you´re really more than just a patients number falling into the categories "healed" or "failed".

I guess I´ll know more tomorrow, back on palliative station. Until then it´s waiting. And trying not to think about it too much.

Nervous?? Who´s nervous???

Like a Phoenix from the ashes

Tomorrow is my last day here in rehab and I feel like I was reborn- gone is the apathy, I can laugh and cry again and my body is getting stronger everyday. Sure, there are still some things I will have to struggle with the next weeks, months, years, whatever. Like fatigue, neuropathy or chemo brain.

But my body´s not broken, just a bit dented. And it will get better with time, I just need to have a little patience (yes, I learned that word here. "Patience". Still feels strange to say it ;)).

I also learned that I still have the energy left in me to tackle all the big and small decisions that are lying ahead of me. This will be a very exciting time cause the book of my life which looked like it was all pre-written and settled now only is a blank page just waiting to be filled with new and awesome things. And I´m no longer afraid of this unknown, blank future (and I also take my time to mourn for the future lost). As for doing awesome things- I will start by going on vacation to a luxury spa resort in Greece. Because I feel like I really, reeeeeally deserve that now! :)

Another lesson learned is to take care of yourself. Always listen to your body and your mind and if you don´t feel good, stop and think about what you need to change to feel better. Heard that like a thousand times before, right? But there is a whole new dimension to it if your body´s been close to dying or your mind has turned into a pitch black void. There is nothing more valuable than your health. And you never know when it´s suddenly gone (but I´ll never be a health nazi! ;) Smoke and drink if you want to. Skip the sport if you´re too lazy. Live! But take care. :)).

But most importantly I re-learned (and I really had forgotten about that):

I´m a fucking strong woman who´s been to hell and back always walking tall. 

I´ve been tested the past months like most people will never be tested (at least that´s what I hope for all of you :-*). And I think I did pretty well. If this fucking demon can´t throw me down I know nothing ever will. I now know about my strengths but also my weaknesses. And I´m proud of them.

So I will rise now. Even if my life turns to ashes another time I know I will rise again. Because that´s just the person I am. And I´m almost grateful that through my cancer I got the chance to learn that about me (okey, there are probably healthier ways than cancer to get to know yourself better ;)).

P.S.: Some wine anyone to endure the cheesiness of this thread? ;) 

P.P.S.: There is of course no such thing as an International Lama League. I´ve been asked whether I really received hate mails. Nooooo, I did not. But a lama really tried to spit on me (there are some lamas and ponies around here in a small forest).