Like a Phoenix from the ashes

Tomorrow is my last day here in rehab and I feel like I was reborn- gone is the apathy, I can laugh and cry again and my body is getting stronger everyday. Sure, there are still some things I will have to struggle with the next weeks, months, years, whatever. Like fatigue, neuropathy or chemo brain.

But my body´s not broken, just a bit dented. And it will get better with time, I just need to have a little patience (yes, I learned that word here. "Patience". Still feels strange to say it ;)).

I also learned that I still have the energy left in me to tackle all the big and small decisions that are lying ahead of me. This will be a very exciting time cause the book of my life which looked like it was all pre-written and settled now only is a blank page just waiting to be filled with new and awesome things. And I´m no longer afraid of this unknown, blank future (and I also take my time to mourn for the future lost). As for doing awesome things- I will start by going on vacation to a luxury spa resort in Greece. Because I feel like I really, reeeeeally deserve that now! :)

Another lesson learned is to take care of yourself. Always listen to your body and your mind and if you don´t feel good, stop and think about what you need to change to feel better. Heard that like a thousand times before, right? But there is a whole new dimension to it if your body´s been close to dying or your mind has turned into a pitch black void. There is nothing more valuable than your health. And you never know when it´s suddenly gone (but I´ll never be a health nazi! ;) Smoke and drink if you want to. Skip the sport if you´re too lazy. Live! But take care. :)).

But most importantly I re-learned (and I really had forgotten about that):

I´m a fucking strong woman who´s been to hell and back always walking tall. 

I´ve been tested the past months like most people will never be tested (at least that´s what I hope for all of you :-*). And I think I did pretty well. If this fucking demon can´t throw me down I know nothing ever will. I now know about my strengths but also my weaknesses. And I´m proud of them.

So I will rise now. Even if my life turns to ashes another time I know I will rise again. Because that´s just the person I am. And I´m almost grateful that through my cancer I got the chance to learn that about me (okey, there are probably healthier ways than cancer to get to know yourself better ;)).

P.S.: Some wine anyone to endure the cheesiness of this thread? ;) 

P.P.S.: There is of course no such thing as an International Lama League. I´ve been asked whether I really received hate mails. Nooooo, I did not. But a lama really tried to spit on me (there are some lamas and ponies around here in a small forest).