Daily life 2.0

Yesterday I officially exchanged metal shirts and yoga pants for business suit and high heels. After the second best week this year that I spent in a luxury resort on Crete (nothing beats a metal festival on a cruise ship in the Caribbean though,spending it in isolation in hospital comes in a close third!  ;)) I have started working again. Daily life after cancer begins... NOW!

It felt like first day all over again. When the new girl greets you with "Welcome!" you know you´ve been gone too long. And so many things have changed- different soap on the toilets! And we have an assortment of tea in the meeting rooms! Say whaaaat? But really, being gone for almost nine months now (other people get children in that time, well I get cancer. Both starts with a "C" I get that it´s easy to confuse, dearest universe!) I feel like I don´t belong. It doesn´t help that I´m still fighting the aftermath of shingles and a serious opium addiction (I´m already reducing the doses so I´m on luke-warm turkey. I need a drink goddammit and I´m not allowed for alcohol as long as I´m on opium!) so I´m mostly trying to keep up a smile while crying in pain on the inside.

It hurts like hell. Every muscle on my body is on fire even my face and tongue!

And don´t get me started on chemo brain. Mine now is also stuffed with opiates so I already found myself panicky searching for familiar names of colleagues while still trying to keep up that smile. Or passwords. Jeez I didn´t even know I had so many passwords that of course are aaaaall gone now.

I now it´s only been two days, but I have the feeling everyone expects me to go back to just as before. Like I´ve only been gone two weeks cause I had the cold. And also have a new hair style.Voluntarily. Most of them probably really don´t have the slightest idea what I have been through and how I have been fighting just so I could be back to work yesterday. And either don´t care or don´t know how to ask. So let´s just say "Hi Anja, nice that you´re back!" and be done with it.

P.S.: My fingernails are falling off. Late aftermath from chemo. Meeeh, I´m so sick and tired of body parts falling off! Read somewhere that gel nails could help so I let the nice Korean guy from "American Nailz" (yes, with a Z!) do that. Looks good so far. Thumbs up (with fingernails attached ;))!

P.P.S.:

If you say so, Cookie Monster, then where are my cookies!?? Kylo Ren you greedy bastard!! 

P.P.P.S.: I found a red hair in one of my drawers at work. I opened it and it was just there. A sudden reminder of a healthy version of me from one year ago. And somewhere between that red hair and now something went horribly wrong. It´s these little things that get you. You promise yourself to be brave and strong and then there´s a hair. And all your walls are tumbling down.