Is it over yet?

Can I open my eyes?

It´s a strange feeling. In six days it will be exactly half a year ago that I got my cancer diagnosis. And now I´m already sitting here, thinking about being cancerfree (won´t believe it though until the final MRT in a few weeks. Optimism killed the cat. Or something like that). My blood values are all on the rise (Hb was 10.5 on Monday, that´s an all-time high, woopwoop!), rehab is already planned in a few weeks and except for some fatigue and muscle weakness I´m actually feeling quite good. So everything´s back to normal right? It´s finally over?

Cancer Airlines welcomes you on board!

Well, no. Unfortunately it´s not that simple. It´s not like just because your body doesn´t have cancer anymore someone hands you over your old life saying "Thank you for travelling with Cancer Airlines. I hope you had a horrible journey. Please start enjoying your life exactly where you left it six months ago." Cause nothing´s the same as six months ago, hell, I´m not the same as six months ago. Cancer is a hungry and egoistic fellow, devouring as much as he can, leaving you behind with the scraps of your life or what you thought your life would be.

When fighting cancer you don´t really have the time to think too much about all this, you just live from chemo to chemo, from day to day, from one red X on your treatment plan to the next. I´m infertile? Yeah, whatever, I have cancer, no time to think about that. Five year survival rate is only 30%? Couldn´t care less, need to beat this thing in the first place before I rack my brain over recurrence rates! How can I get back to work after been gone for so long? What do I want to do with my life? Will I ever be myself again? Could I learn to like the new me?

There are a thousand questions crashing down on you that you kept away for the past months when you were busy surviving cancer. And finally when you were used to having cancer, it´s gone. And now the whole work starts all over again, getting used to a new life situation, adapting to it, building a life on the ruins of the old one. Cause getting the old one back? That´s not in the stars my dear. But you can fight to make the new one even more awesome.

Doesn´t matter, out with the old, in with the new!