Welcome to the dark side

Hmm, yes, a bit. Not even the ones with raisins?

They always said there would be cookies, so I finally went over to the dark side. Turns out there aren´t any cookies but instead just Major Depressed waiting to kick your sorry butt.

Since the day my doc told me I should get to hospital because my blood values were odd ("Let´s hope it´s nothing serious." Woops, sorry doc.), throughout my many days in hospital and my various and sometimes hard to bear treatments I have never ever felt depressed (hell week doesn´t count). Sure, there were nights I cried, asking myself where the f*** I went wrong from lying in the Caribbean sea, drinking beer I´ve won during a dance-off to having cancer. But most of the time I´ve been a good sport, smiling, taking everything head-on without complaining or asking "Why??". I had no other option so why should I whine and moan, I prefer going through hell with my head held high.

And now it´s over (probably) and I can´t stop feeling horrible. Which feels kinda stupid. But I haven´t really slept in days (pills don´t really work anymore), can´t eat without getting sick (just thinking about food makes me wanna throw up) and my body´s weaker than ever (Hb is also dropping again no one knows why). People expect me to be happy because I beat cancer, now everything´s good again, I can go back to being my old self. I don´t get any more chemo and I´m out of hospital so I should feel great now shouldn´t I? Bursting with energy and puking rainbows. But I just feel...exhausted. I wouldn´t even know where to start to get my life back on track and I really don´t feel I have the energy left for it. It's like thinking you finally reached the top of a huge mountain only then to notice there is still a long way to go. I need a break, can´t I just not be the one with cancer for like a day? Or even an hour? Just do everyday things like sleeping and going to work and eating and just feeling carefree and happy.

When I look back at the past months I don´t feel like I have accomplished anything, only lost a great deal of things. So I´ll just stay here on the dark side for a few moments longer. Only until I have figured some things out. And until I have found the secret cookie stash of Kylo Ren, dammit. There MUST to be cookies here somewhere!

P.S.: There´s a new girl at work who´s taking over some of my projects. "Not to replace you, of course." Yeah? Damn sure feels like it. So noooo pressure to come back to work, take your time. Yeah, right.