They tried to make me go to rehab, I said…

…well ok, what the heck (Amy Winehouse? Anyone? Whaddayaknow, I´m old!). So here I am, day one of rehab. Problem with having an old people´s disease? It´s mostly old people here. I´m really looking forward to twerking along with the 80 year old grannys in dance therapy!

Parental Advisory- Explicit Twerking!

Cause that´s what I´ll be doing here. And Arts and Crafts. Breathing exercises. 6-minute walking test (wtf, six minutes? Who do they think I am? Some Nigerean marathon runner? :P). Ergometer. I´m not allowed for the swimming pool and sauna (Booh, I really was looking forward to this, still something about infection risk yadayada, this is getting old). Aaaaand group meetings. Had my first one today “Hematological diseases”- when the doc saw my file he just said “Oohh, something rare!”. He made me feel so special!

And now finally someone else noticed my specialness!

But most importantly I´ll be getting psychological counseling. Cause recently I´ve been feeling like shit. That´s why I haven´t been blogging. Cause writing about depression is hard. And depressing. Mostly depressing. ;) I still feel reluctant to write about my problems here. Why is it that it´s so much easier to talk about physical pain and throwing up and all that nasty bodily stuff but when it comes to your mind you feel like hiding everything away? I don´t know but let me tell you one thing- it is so damn much easier to endure physical pain and throwing up with a frigging smile on your face than this chaotic abyss that is a depressed mind.

Apparently it´s “completely normal” to breeze through your cancer treatment, throwing rainbows either way just to break down when you´re done. Cause now your slow, stupid brain has time and peace to finally catch up with your situation.

Ah jeez, brain, keep up! We HAD cancer!

At the moment I tend to burst into tears at any given time of the day. Sometimes I don´t even know why. Sometimes I feel like I can´t ever stop. Blissful are the nights when sleeping pills bring silence to the screaming void inside me. Or Whiskey. Or a mixture of both. 

Do I feel like a weak crybaby because of this? Sure thing. Do I have to be honest about it so I can finally feel better? You betcha. Do I still think psycho oncologists are annoying? Hell yeah. ;)

P.S.: The doc here said I should better try to skip the sleeping pills cause I´ve been taking them for weeks now and I could easily get addicted. But alcohol is also forbidden on the clinic grounds ("It´s not healthy." Yeah, as if having cancer or getting chemo is actually "healthy", pff!). Mehh, I really need my sleep! Maybe I can convince them that it surely is better to drink Whiskey than become a drug addict? The end justifies the means or something like that. ;)